On Sunday, June 19, Veronica Ritchie released a balloon to commemorate what would have been the first birthday of her daughter Lucy. Ritchie and her family, her husband Adam and daughters Olivia, seven, and Scarlett, three, were visiting Canberra from Sydney for the weekend. Together they released four yellow balloons into a grey Canberra sky, with no idea how the story would unfold.
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On the Monday I found Ritchie's balloon in my backyard. Her simple note to Lucy, a little girl she would never know, and a mention of her brother Alex touched a nerve.
To my precious daughter and angel Lucy. I love and miss you with all my heart. Now and always. Look after your brother. ♥ Mum.
It made me pause and think about my own babies, now teenagers, how grateful I was to have them here on earth with me, no matter how irksome they may be at times.
My story, which was published on June 24, found its way to Bonnie Carter, a Canberra woman who lost her first baby Grace just three weeks previously.
"I'm sorry for this random message but I just had to track you down," Carter messaged via Facebook on June 25.
"My husband and I heartbreakingly had to say goodbye to our baby daughter, Grace, just three weeks ago at only 19 weeks gestation. She was and always will be our perfect beautiful little sleeping angel. I would give anything to have Gracie back in my arms right now, but I know she'll live in our hearts and watch over us forever."
On June 29 Ritchie, back home in Sydney, made contact through Essential Baby.
"When I first found the article I was just shaking and crying," Ritchie messaged. Only months before releasing the balloon she had lost another baby, a son Alex.
"To think of all the things that had to happen to get this balloon to Karen … she really has made such a big difference in my life. All of a sudden Lucy and Alex are real for my family and friends again and I cannot thank her enough for this."
Three women, all mothers, connected by air currents and a love for our children.
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Every day in Australia there are 402 miscarriages, six babies are stillborn, and three will die before they've reached their first birthday. One in four pregnancies will end up in a loss of some kind.
"It's the most horrendous thing in the world, having to come home from a maternity hospital without your baby in your arms," says Ritchie.
"I've miscarried two other times, they were classified as early miscarriages, but once you see a heartbeat it's a big milestone, you start to plan.
"It's not just a life you lose, it's a lifetime."
Both Ritchie and Carter hope that this tangled story might reach other mothers who have lost their babies during pregnancy, hope that it lets them know there are support networks for those grieving a child they'll never know.
"People end up feeling so alone," says Carter.
"No one says anything, no one acknowledges your loss, no one talks about the baby ... people have said all sorts of things to us that have caught us off guard. But we want people to acknowledge her, say her name."
Carter, 29, and her husband Steve, 35, had been trying for a year to fall pregnant and were overjoyed when the test came back positive. When the 12-week scan came back clear they announced their pregnancy "to the world".
But the 15-week scans revealed Grace had a severe heart deformity, "where basically she only had half a heart, she was a very sick baby, there were a lot of issues", says Carter and they lost her at 19 weeks.
Carter's grief came on in a wave she never expected.
"I had days where I didn't think I would get through to the end of the day," she says.
"I didn't know how I was going to wake up the next day and physically get out of bed."
Ritchie, 38, knows what that pain is like.
"It can be heartbreaking. You don't get to talk about your baby, you don't get to share them, talking about the whole thing makes people so uncomfortable.
"My mother wondered why we decided to hold a funeral for Lucy and then Alex. But as soon as I heard about the process involved in a cremation, how they'd just 'take them out the back' in a pine box, I said, stop, stop, I don't need to hear anymore. I said she's coming through the front door with the nicest coffin and we're having flowers."
At Lucy's funeral Ritchie just sat and sobbed for half an hour, she read Alex a story. For her funeral, the Carters made Grace an angel gown out of Bonnie's wedding dress and Steve's wedding tie.
Both women have found solace through the support group Bears of Hope, set up by two other mothers who connected over the loss of their children. In 2006 Amanda Bowles lost her son Jesse and received a stuffed teddy bear during her hospital stay. Toni Tattis lost seven babies over three years, five through miscarriages and identical twins who were born at 26 weeks and died not long after. Tattis started donating bears at a handful of Sydney hospitals as a way of honouring each of her babies.
"When I connected with Toni it provided such comfort to me," says Bowles.
"It reduced the isolation that I was feeling, the idea that I was the only person trying to handle this."
Long before the instant connection of Facebook and social media, Bowles and Tattis realised the importance of putting women in touch with other. In the 10 years since, Bears of Hope has become a registered charity, has just moved into purpose-built office space in Castle Hill in Sydney, complete with consulting rooms for bereavement support staff. The organisation holds regular workshops and support groups in Sydney. Support for interstate families is offered via email and Skype. A Canberra support group will meet for the first time on September 6.
The fundraising efforts of Bears of Hope, and those who support it, focus in part on making sure hospitals are supplied with cuddle cots. These cooling units are inserted in cots to enable parents to spend time with their babies after delivery, slowing the deterioration rate once they've left the womb.
"When I had Lucy," says Ritchie, "there wasn't one so they had to put her in the fridge and then bring her back in to us. With Alex, we used one and we were able to have those last few hours with him, it made a world of difference."
Cuddle cots cost upwards of $4000. There are currently a dozen or so cots in Sydney. There are two in Canberra, one at Calvary Hospital and one at the Centenary Hospital for Women and Children, according to an ACT Health spokesperson.
It is the aim to get one into every hospital in Australia.
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Ritchie and her family came to Canberra on something of a whim that June weekend. They had planned a holiday to Fiji but after losing Alex it didn't seem right. All four family members released a balloon from the Medina Apartments in Braddon about 4.30pm.
"I'd like to think Lucy and Alex were with us all that day. Just the idea that you got my balloon, the only one with enough information on it to make sense of this all, is like a little miracle," Ritchie says, her voice catching.
"If you'd found Scarlett's, it was basically just a yellow balloon coloured in with a black Sharpie texta, none of this would have happened."
And she laughs at the idea of her angel babies keeping an eye out for mothers everywhere.
The Bears of Hope Canberra Support Group will begin on September 6. Griffith Neighbourhood Hall, Stuart Street, Griffith. 6.30pm. RSVP to support@bearsofhope.org.au and include Canberra Support Group in the subject line.
Veronica Ritchie is raising money to buy a cuddle cot for a hospital that doesn't have one: bearsofhopecommunityevent.gofundraise.com.au/page/VeronicaRitchie
You can also visit bearsofhope.org.au.
