Here is the news: banks ripping us off! Qantas safety scare! Tony Abbott would love to have Peter Costello back! (who says there's no love in politics?); Kevin Rudd says economy in safe hands!
Which of the above statements doesn't quite ring true for you? Of course, it's the scare about Qantas safety, ever since Dustin Hoffman was in his prime, everyone's known the World's Greatest Airline is also the World's Safest Airline. The current diffculties are just "one, or more, of those things". Come fly with me.
Australian Olympic officals downplay our Games' medals prospects. Chinese officials immediately censor the Australians' comments for being "not in anyone's best interests".
Tuesday
Todd Carney's diary, "Jeez, just a quiet drink with mum and the boys in the old home town. Only a couple of beers. People looking at me funny. Decide to leave. The #%@t's hit the fan once again, though he didn't look like a fan to me."
The Reserve Bank has good news at last, its "posture" on interest rates changes to an "indication" rates could go lower sooner. This is excellent news for the shanty town occupants who start eyeing their youngest child, curious to know how much of a home loan deposit the bank might give for the little one.
Wednesday
"Maori cannibalism was widespread throughout New Zealand until the mid-1800s" according to new research. This puts the cat amongst the pigeons - or maybe the cooking pot amongst the inhabitants - across the Tasman, where the economy is slipping into recession, thereby reviving a centuries-old practice ...
Meanwhile accusations of nepotism fly across the floor of the ACT Legislative Assembly. Defenders of the practice of employing husbands and brothers-in-law commend the practice, saying it adds to the "family friendly" feel of the Assembly, which is also known as "the littlest house on the prairie".
Thursday
The Stanhope Government says the Tuggeranong data centre/power station proposal must pass an Environmental Impact Study before it may proceed. The study won't be completed until after the territory election. It will therefore be the Liberal Party's headache.
Paul Keating makes headlines by saying he was better than anyone else. Although he might have a point, this is not news, to him at least. Editors justify running Keating's views prominently by saying it will be news to voters who in 1996 rejected the former prime minister's notions on the subject pretty convincingly.
Friday
The shortlist for the inaugural Prime Minister's Literary Awards are announced. Arts Minister Peter Garrett is nominated for Missing in Action: tales from the basement. Opposition Leader Brendan Nelson is being seriously considered for his masterwork Everyone Knows the Trouble I've Seen. Peter Costello is nominated in a special category works in progress for his soon-to-be-published effort with the working title Last Man Standing. The National Party's joint effort, Final Few, also gets a mention.
Sunday Rose looks just like dad Keith Urban, we are told breathlessly. This is a great relief to all concerned, with Sunday Rose now able to look forward to ageing disgracefully, presumably.
We once again top the national table as the most wasteful. Residents take one look at the report and then - throw it away. They head to the new grocery prices website, knowing where to look for real garbage.
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