MondayA Perth man who has all he owns up for auction online hopes to make $500,000. He wants a new start, and when everyone agrees, liking the idea of a cool half a million cash-in-hand, auction sites are flooded with peoples' "lifes" which, demand being what it is (limited), drives the price down.
This leads to some interesting results. For instance, there's this posting: "Hard driving Prime Minister plans to drop out, have had enough of 24/7 lifestyle. More than two years of current term to run. Life comes complete with residences in Sydney and Canberra. What am I offered?"
Which attracts exactly one response with a bid of $9.95. From someone named Brendan.
Tuesday
Resources Minister Martin Ferguson is in Jeddah for the oil summit. Despite the diplomatic passport, his blow torch is confiscated at the airport. ``For safety reasons,'' says a local customs official.
There's reaction to TV ads running, which attack the Stanhope Government but fail to mention the Liberal Party. "It's been really good," says an official, who also refuses to "confirm or deny" if he is from the Liberal Party.
"It's all part of the strategy," he explains. "Research shows when we don't mention the Liberals, which we may or may not be, we do better. This will set the scene for our campaign later this year, whoever we are, not that we'll be saying."
Wednesday
Internet administrators announce plans to expand domain names beyond .com, .org and .net to include .love and .paris. ACT Liberals, who deny they exist anyway, say they won't be taking up the .actliberals domain name. "I told you this yesterday: I shouldn't really be talking to you because I don't exist. But no, we have no interest in such a domain name of course. Liberals in ACT? Never heard of them."
The penny finally drops for Adelaide residents when it's suggested the city "disconnect" from the Murray River as the waterway continues to die a slow death. "The water's foul, has been for years. It certainly tastes like something's dying upstream, didn't realise it was the river itself though. Is that what they call irony? Can't drink irony," one local says.
Thursday
A new national code for the naming of seafood is embraced by Canberra fishmongers. Politically speaking, the West Australian oily nosed Buswell will now be adopted nationally for any member of the species displaying a temperament and behaviour which is notorious among fish connisseurs. "It's kind of like a blowfish, but the poison only affects members of the Liberal Party," one purveyor of marine and fresh water produce says. "There's also a a type of east coast piranha: Belindus Nealithicus.
"And as well from the west comes the Giant Burke, which we thought had died out, but he's back in big numbers." That species will also now be recognised in the new register for lobbyists, along side the Slim Hipped Log Roller and the Lesser Wingbacked Chair Warmer.
Friday
Liberal MP from WA Don Randall calls Canberra a cold hole, then jets back to the state which is currently suffering from an energy shortage thanks to the Varanus Island fire Leg 6cutting gas supplies. It gets cool in Perth this time of year so feeling chilly, he goes to light the gas fire. No gas. He then remembers he left his cardigan in Canberra.
Also out in the cold are the Australian democrats, their 31-year run in the Senate coming to an end.
Former leader Natasha Stott-Despoya hints at a comeback, but not before raising her children, becoming secretary-general of the United Nations, bringing peace to the Middle East and disposing of all the world's nuclear weapons. "I want to start with something fairly modest at least compared to resurrecting the Democrats," she says.
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