We sit down to watch Married at First Sight. Horrified by many things, but we still watch. It’s television. We talk about double standards. How men often get called out for their behaviour while women get away with too much. Yes Bronson used a word. But Ines had been verbally and emotionally abusing him since the series began. My son recognises she’s a piece of work. We talk about how if the situation was reversed how different the reaction would have been. Be careful, I tell him, as a man you’ll often be held to higher standards. Even if they’re the standards you should be aiming for.

And then there was the pack mentality of the men on the night before they were being sent off to get married. Haranguing virgin Matthew. There’s nothing wrong with being a virgin at any age. There is something wrong with a group of men ganging up on one of their own, on anyone. Be that man in the group that says stop.

Don’t be that man who says “Come on, have a go”, as rugby league player Jack de Belin is alleged to have said during the latest NRL sex scandal. Just stop.

I’ve been wanting to write about this issue for ages. I’m caught between why we’re so fascinated by what athletes are up to. Why not plumbers, or lawyers or accountants? Destroy the Joint reports that six women have died through domestic violence this year, as of February 10. Not one report lists his occupation. But we’ve heard all about De Belin, about Ben Barba, about Dylan Napa. We’re all even still talking about Coffs Harbour and that was 2004. Oh but they are role models and must be held to higher standards, people say.

I’m in no way condoning any of the abhorrent behaviour we seem to be reading about daily in the sports pages. The NRL has to work harder to find a solution, one that doesn’t leave the women and children involved in any less a situation. But maybe, as the sporting public, we need to rethink how we see these young men who just happen to have a skill set that makes them athletes.

My son loves his sport but he has never talked about any athlete being a role model.

Years ago, watching Nick Kyrgios, of all people, playing tennis, he decided he wanted to be like Nick. But that meant heading down to the local tennis courts and hitting a ball against a wall for hours on end. There was no mention of his behaviour. He loves the way Quade Cooper plays rugby but would never think his off-field behaviour is something to aspire to.

I was buoyed, at the first school rugby meeting of the year, when the man they’ve put in charge made reference to the NRL’s scandals, about player behaviour, about how he sees a big part of his job is to not only teach the boys rugby but also teach them about respect, about standards, about humility, and how you can do all that on the rugby field. If schools can work on this, why can’t our national sporting organisations?

But does it start way before that? Of course it does. It starts at home with parents. Everything does. It starts with talking to our young sons about how to treat people, how to treat their mates, how to treat their sisters and brothers, other adults, teachers, classmates they don’t really like, teammates. It’s about knowing which people will have your back, and being that person who will have someone else’s.

We have to talk to them, as they hit an age where they're thinking of forming their own close relationships, about being kind, about knowing when things aren’t right, about learning to trust their instincts, how to listen to their heads, how to assess every situation no matter how deep they are in it.

I think I’m getting there. Driving to school we passed a young couple riding their bicycles, fit and lycra-clad. “Couple goals,” my son said. And I thought how wonderful that he sees someone who shares his love of fitness as being a goal. “Imagine being able to stare at your girlfriend’s bum while you ride,” he added. There’s still a way to go. Or maybe not.