Married at First Sight is over ... so what did we learn?

So I needed to tidy. Spark some joy and all that. I was cleaning out the bottom drawer in the bathroom. You know the one that holds the bulky bottles of shampoo, some old talcum powder, maybe a shower cap. In my bathroom it holds books. Bathroom books I call them. Usually non-fiction. Books I can pick up during a lengthy stay. Come back to the next time nature calls.

Ironically, somewhat, that book, during this season of MAFS, has been Dr Stephanie Sarkis' Gaslighting: How to recognise manipulative and emotionally abusive people. (Hachette, $32.99.)

There's been talk recently that "gaslighting" has been the most overused word during MAFS. Not that it was ever used by the experts or any of the couples, but us punters, including such people as commentator Clementine Ford, could see it happening from the comfort of our couches. And we called it out.

The term gaslighting, according to Sarkis, was probably first coined by Patrick Hamilton in his 1938 play Gas Light, and made popular by the 1944 movie Gaslight, directed by George Cukor and starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. Gregory, Paula's husband tries to convince her that she is going crazy - losing objects precious to her, hearing and seeing things that aren't there, thinking the lights are flickering when he claims they are not. It turns out it has all been a set-up to "gaslight" her.

Gaslighters use your own words against you, lie to your face, try to convince you of alternative facts all with the goal of consolidating their power, according to Sarkis. The goal of a gaslighter is to keep you off kilter and questioning your reality. The manipulation is usually insidious and slow and you may not realise the extent of the damage until you have an "aha!" moment.

Ines had her "aha!" moment at the reunion special when she saw footage of the dastardly Sam talking about how he wasn't too keen to dodge two bullets. "Wow," Ines said. I've been duped, she was thinking. Lizzie was on the couch, rehashing her experiences, they showed footage of Ines and Sam cheating. The experts asked Ines to join Lizzie on the couch. And the two women kind of apologised to each other. "I appreciate your strength," Ines said to Lizzie, "because I don't think I have it in me." It was one of my favourite moments of the series.

But then Ines did show strength when she realised that she had indeed been gaslighted.

"He [Sam] was very good at making you think you're the shit person. I'm not perfect, I'm heavily flawed (aren't we all, sister) ... but when someone is consistently doing these things to you ... and they're telling you you're batshit crazy .. and you start to think you are batshit crazy and you are the problem and you hate yourself."

Gaslighting 101.

Watching these relationships play out, reading Sarkis' book, I started to talk to girlfriends about their experiences. Gaslighters can be both genders. You are more likely to hear about male gaslighters, Sarkis says, as female gaslighters behaviours are sometimes not taken as seriously as they should be. The first chapter of her book is entitled "Is it me, or is it you making me think it's me?" and this seemed to be the general consensus.

He would say that he'd told me about something, an appointment, or that he'd be late home from work, when I was certain he hadn't, but it made me start doubting myself.

He'd apologise but there'd be a condition. He actually said, I wouldn't have cheated if you had shown more interest in my life.

He'd always compare me to a woman at work. How she worked full-time but could manage things better than me.

Every conversation would turn to him, regardless of where it started.

I've recommended Sarkis's book to all these women. There is hope, whether that gaslighter is a partner, an ex, a work colleague, a neighbour, a friend.

If there's one thing that MAFS has taught us this season, it's that the primary relationship we have to work on is the one we have with ourselves. Protect our hearts.

Let's give the last word to Cyrell: "I didn't find love in this experiment, but I'll tell you one thing, I've never loved myself more than I do right now." Be that person.