Wha-hey! The year in politics of the federal persuasion has been non-stop action, inaction and debates about the carbon tax. It kicked off with widespread complaints that Julia Gillard was not connecting with the electorate and that Tony Abbott was too negative. And ended with complaints that Gillard is not connecting with the electorate and Abbott is too negative. But what happened in between?
Subscribe now for unlimited access.
or signup to continue reading
JANUARY
The Prime Minister went to Queensland to comfort flood victims and got a bollocking because she wore a suit jacket and didn't cry like Anna Bligh did. Kevin Rudd proved he was such a Queenslander by jumping into the floodwaters to help move some international students' stuff to higher ground. It wasn't clear whether he asked them first. But as the saying goes, ''I'm Kevin and I'm (still) here to help.''
Abbott was also here to help but not by backing the flood levy. This brought the first round of accusations for the year that our politicians were ''playing politics'' (to which the only response is, der).
FEBRUARY
Parliament resumed and Abbott was clearly a little rusty after the break. Exhibit A was when he was sprung with that ''shit happens'' comment regarding troop casualties in Afghanistan.
This heralded the weirdest few minutes of television of all time as Abbott shuddered and shook wordlessly and everyone else wondered whether he was going to clock Channel 7 reporter Mark Riley or spontaneously combust.
In the end, he did neither. But then came the debate about who was playing politics with what bit of the war in Afghanistan. Yes, in politics, things go from very strange to very predictable very quickly.
MARCH
South Australian Liberal senator Mary Jo Fisher competed with Abbott on the weirdity scale when she introduced the hokey pokey to parliamentary debates about climate change.
''You put your petrol in, you put your petrol out,'' she said, in a lengthy monologue that also included pelvic thrusts.
Abbott then competed with himself by doing a noticeably nasal impersonation of Gillard on Triple M radio.
''There will be nawh carbon tax under the Government oi lead,'' he said to giggles across the land.
In a non-laughing matter, the insults went from bogan to just plain ugly when Independent MP Tony Windsor received death threats for supporting the carbon tax and protesters turned up to Parliament House bearing placards that read ''Ditch The Witch''.
This prompted a spate of retaliatory signs that read ''Stop Using Misogynist Language To Advance Your Political Opinions ... No Matter How Deeply Held''.
APRIL
Just before the leaves turned, Gillard turned on the Greens. Apparently the ALP did not receive the memo about what being in a political coalition means (that is, at the very least, refrain from bagging your partners out in public).
In the inaugural Whitlam Oration, Gillard dropped this clanger: ''The Greens will never embrace Labor's delight at sharing the values of everyday Australians, in our cities, suburbs, towns and bush. Those Australians who, day after day, do the right thing, leading purposeful and dignified lives, driven by love of family and of country.''
Not only did it make Gillard sound like an anti-litter campaigner (do the right thing!), it made Australians everywhere slap their foreheads. Um, 90 per cent of us may not have voted for the Greens, but that doesn't mean we are complete dorks.
MAY
In the merry month of May, as debate ramped up over carbon tax this and carbon tax that, the budget was handed down. Needless to say, the carbon tax was not included.
However, there was plenty o' talk about the surplus (are we there yet?) and Treasurer Wayne Swan rather spectacularly broke a glass during a live interview. Lucky for him it was a radio interview. Unlucky for him, there were TV cameras in there anyway. As 1930s British schoolkids would say, it was positively smashing.
But it wasn't all about the Government. Opposition Whip Warren Entsch lived up to his job title when he lambasted Malcolm Turnbull via leakable email for missing five votes in the House of Representatives. The Member for Wentworth was not amused - and protested the calculation of five. But Barnaby Joyce thought it was a stunt of Turnbull's (not Entsch's) making. ''If you want to become famous miss a vote,'' Joyce philosophised.
JUNE
June was the month of the meow after Coalition senator David Bushby made a cat noise at Finance Minister Penny Wong during a committee hearing. Wong was quick to point out that it wouldn't have happened to a man. But Bushby was more blase about the controversy.
''[Wong's] reaction to the issue of the secretary's appearance was like that of an angry cat. It could have been a male or female cat,'' he said.
''So I thought she was like an angry cat, the way they sometimes strike out. I like cats.''
Meanwhile, live exports to Indonesia were suspended. Just like that. But even though there was a lot at steak (yep, I so went there), people were more interested to learn more about an alleged screaming match between Gillard and Rudd. You can just imagine it, Gillard saying to Rudd ''Oh for Pete's sake, Kevin, would you just move forward''. And Kevin replying with ''Julia, you are without doubt the greatest moral challenge of my time!''
All the shouty speculation coincided with the most over-reported political birthday in history: the one-year anniversary of the Gillard Government. The media went into overdrive with the knife and blood metaphors, Gillard tried to pretend like it never happened, Rudd tried to pretend as if he was still the prime minister and the Opposition re-released their Kevin O'Lemon ads.
The garnish on proceedings was that Abbott seriously suggested that Gillard hold a ''people's plebiscite'' on the carbon tax. Pull the other one, Tony!
JULY
Whether it was inspired by the O'Lemon or sheer lunacy, the meow made a comeback in July. This time it was in question time and the official meower was Government Whip Joel Fitzgibbon (although there is some conjecture about this) and the meowee was Deputy Opposition Leader Julie Bishop (in full anti-carbon tax rant mode).
Clearly it was time for a holiday and Parliament duly headed off on its winter break. But before MPs jetted to the Bahamas for their ''study trips'', the Government finally revealed the details of the carbon tax. This meant people had to come into work on a Sunday ... sparking more disgruntlement than a carbon tax rally (just kidding).
AUGUST
Speaking of which, in August, the Convoy of No Confidence was supposed to bring thousands and thousands of angry punters to Canberra. Their trucks were supposed to stop traffic. And their hungry bellies were supposed to eat surrounding pubs us out of pies and bacon rolls.
In the end, the numbers were small enough to allow Anthony Albanese to call them the Convoy of No Consequence and just about get away with it.
The Government found out the hard way that there is a separation between the legislature and the judiciary in Australia. Despite persistent calls of ''No Fair!'' from the Prime Minister, the High Court wasn't having a bar (not even a half a bench) of the Malaysia solution. Better make that a Malaysia problem, then.
SEPTEMBER
By September, Craig Thomson was suddenly the most famous kid in Parliament. And to think it used to be Member for Dobell, who? It's amazing what a credit card-fuelled sex scandal can do for one's public profile.
Wayne Swan was getting noticed for much happier reasons, when he was named World Champion Money Dude (aka Euromoney's Finance Minister of the Year).
''Hooray!'' said the Government, neatly avoiding the fact that Swan's official job title is Treasurer. Hockey blew a fuse and Abbott called it ''Australia's award'' while claiming credit on behalf of Peter Costello.
Gillard turned 50, which was OK because Barack Obama had recently done so and it was a better news story than the Malaysia problem. Also on the upside, Australians now know that there is a breed of dog called the cavoodle. Awwww. If you cross anything with poodle it sounds cute. This sparked unverified reports that part of the Labor Party's strategy for clawing back votes in 2013 is to cross some of its candidates with poodles and make a batch of Laboodles.
OCTOBER
In October, the tax and jobs forums gave academics, lobbyists, bureaucrats and politicians lots of personal reflection time as they sat through presentation after presentation on matters tax and jobsical.
The carbon tax passed the House of Representatives despite ''pop-up'' protests from elderly chanters in the public galleries and after much umming and ahhing from Tony Crook, the Malaysia solution did not.
Meanwhile, the Queen came to visit and Gillard did not curtsey. For a moment there, everything else just paled in comparison. How dare the Prime Minister be so footloose and curtsey-free?
NOVEMBER
The Rudd Speculation Index tipped into the danger zone in November when there was talk - even in the printed word - that the Foreign Minister would challenge in November. This caused everyone to double check their calendars before they freaked out. That means this month! Rudd did his best to simultaneously hose down and inflame speculation by repeating how happy he was being the Foreign Minister.
The carbon tax passed the Senate, causing the Greens to yahoo and Greg Combet to show some emotion. The mighty storm that broke a mere five minutes after the final vote was either a thumbs up or a thumbs down from God, depending on which side of politics you come from.
The US President came to tell us the US military were moving in up north and everyone wondered who said g'day more awkwardly, Obama or Gillard?
Then on the last day of Parliament for the year, Harry Jenkins surprised (nearly) everyone when he said we would Speaker no more. Manager of Opposition Business Christopher Pyne tried to nominate everyone on the Labor side short of Mark Latham to try and stop Peter Slipper taking over. But to no avail. It was hard to know who was more gypped - Abbott, Andrew Wilkie or poor Jenkins.
DECEMBER
Darling Harbor became Laborville in December. For three days, there were more references to ''comrade'' than in a 1950 Politburo meeting. The upshot of all that was, Australia is going to sell uranium to India (international treaties be damned) and the ALP officially thinks gay people should be allowed to marry. Even if the unmarried Prime Minister thinks it should strictly be a man-woman affair.
Still in Sydney, to keep Quentin busy, Gillard and 19 of her ministerial buddies popped in for a reshuffle.
Everyone crowed about how women-y the new cabinet is, due to the fact that in 2011 there are five whole female cabinet members ... out of a total of 22.
Meanwhile Stephen Conroy, the minister in charge of broadcasting standards, swore (a bad swear too) in the middle of a live broadcast at the National Press Club.
MPs, large and small, got a hefty pay rise, which must be why Abbott was only too happy to announce that he would even work on Christmas Day - to solve/win the asylum-seekers impasse - if necessary.
Who needs work-life balance when you're on six figures and the Government is in poll hell?
AND THE WINNERS ARE...
MOST CRINGEWORTHY MOMENT: It's a toss-up between At Home with Julia's sexy scene under the flag and the 60 Minutes report at home with Julia and Tim, when Charles Wooley asked the first couple if they loved each other. Vomitron!
MOST OVERUSED CATCHPHRASE:
''All hypocrisy and no democracy''. Yeah it rhymes, but that's not enough to see you through, 600th time around.
MOST STUNTY STUNT:
Abbott suited up in the bomb disposal outfit in Afghanistan. It was a little bit army, a little bit Hollywood and little bit political astronaut, all at the same time.
MOST STUNTY STUNT (NOT):
Abbott suspending standing orders (again). Like, we didn't see that one coming.
MOST INCONGRUOUS CELEBRITY TIE-IN:
We had ''Carbon'' Cate for the carbon tax and Angry Anderson against it. Dolly Parton gave a shout out to Albo for helping with transport for her Australian tour. But the one that had everyone scratching their noggins was Prime Minister Julia Gillard inducting pop princess Kylie Minogue into the ARIA Hall of Fame. What. The.
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR:
It's not Wyatt Roy! He turned 21 this year, so he's practically a grown-up. This one goes to the newly born electoral force, Katter's Australian Party. With the Kat in the Hat talking up his chances in the state election next year, Queensland has every reason to be nervous.
SURVIVOR OF THE YEAR:
Was it Gillard for hanging tough despite the polls? Rudd for hanging around despite the history? No, it's Joe Ludwig. Still in cabinet, despite the reshuffle. Amazing!!!
This reporter is on Twitter: @canberracamper