What advice would you give a new mother? Don't listen to advice

This one was full of platitudes: "exciting new time", "welcome to parentland", "a wonderful time", "your journey into motherhood". Oh please.

My message read:

"There'll be days where you'll wonder what on earth you've done and you'll be crying and sore and so tired you think you might collapse. Just remember you're never alone and some new mum somewhere is feeling the same way. Call me at anytime. 4am will be your favourite new time."

Killjoy, I know.

But I'm over us sugar-coating parenting. Sure, it's the most fabulous thing for the most part. But sometimes it really, really sucks, whether your baby's about to be born or has just turned 18 and is about to head out in the adult world all on her own.

More of us, both mothers and fathers, should speak the truth more often. Prepare those about to embark on the "journey" that is parenthood.

So here, dear colleague - and I know you are one of my regular readers, praise from a writer as good as you is high praise indeed - is what I think you need to know.

The best advice is not to listen to advice. Do what works best for you and your partner and your baby, regardless if it goes against everything everyone is telling you. With my youngest co-sleeping meant we all got a good night's sleep. With my eldest I persevered with breast-feeding even though it was killing me and everyone around me was telling me to give it up. But don't feel bad about giving up. If that's what will work for you all.

My kids are teenagers now and I'm still parenting by the path of least resistance. Might not be a great thing but my children are great people.

I pray your birth will go smoothly. But it might not. It will most likely hurt like buggery but when that baby comes whooshing out you'll forget instantaneously how much it hurt. Until you go to pee. But enjoy every minute of it. You're pushing out a god damn human. You go girl.

Make sure you have a support network. I've never met your lovely partner. Take care of him. Men can feel a bit useless during the whole process. Assure him that he isn't. Don't neglect your relationship through it all. Your baby will need you more. But he needs you too. And you'll need him.

But more than that. Family, friends, neighbours, cranky old colleagues who think they know it all. Ask for help. Ask often. Accept help. Even if you want me to come around and fold your washing. I'm not good with babies that aren't my own. You need that washing folded more than the baby needs a cuddle from a stranger.

Look after yourself. Try and find five minutes of the day just for you. For me it was watching the first series of Big Brother which just happened to air about the time the baby would go down at night. Watch The Crown while you feed. Keep a book on the bedside table and read a page before you fall off to sleep. Eat well. Stay hydrated. Put that baby in the pram and head off outside as often as you can. Walk, walk, walk. Walk until the baby falls asleep in the pram and walk some more.

Join a mothers' group. Even if you think it's the lamest thing in the world. I'm still friends with a mother I met in the ACT Health group where a bunch of complete strangers get thrown together in a hall somewhere and hope to find something in common other than the fact their babies were born the same month. It will just be nice to hear, once you're all past that embarrassing first week or so when no-one wants to admit they're not quite sure what they're doing.

But at least you'll know someone else feels the same way too. Watch The Letdown on Iview. Way too close to home but you'll wet yourself laughing. That will happen a lot more now too.