Public Sector Informant: It's Senate estimates, so don't make eye contact

I declare open this public hearing of the Legal and Economic Administration committee.

I remind all witnesses that, in giving evidence to the committee, they are protected by parliamentary privilege.

You aren't, however, guaranteed protection from Penny Wong. Don't make eye contact with her, she will regard it as an act of aggression.

But also don't look away. Look a little to the side, as if something interesting appeared.

Are you always this sweaty? I don't mean to be indelicate but it looks like you tripped and fell into the fountain downstairs, armpits first.

Don't worry, you're not its first victim. Guardian photographer Mike Bowers has fallen in twice.

Do you have an opening statement? I hope you don't, we are running three hours behind schedule.

It's remarkable actually, we've only been going for two hours. If you're willing to table that, it will help us get back on track.

I remind senators and witnesses that we have media in the room today. They shouldn't be too difficult to spot, we make them wear a crown of pool noodles. Social distancing, you know.

It also means we can see them coming. Andrew Probyn moves like a cat.

Now Mr Pizzaullo. Pezzullo. Apologies secretary, it's been a long morning.

It's hard not to start drifting off into thoughts of lunch. I had a similar spell when Nicole Roast - Nicole Rose! - from AUSTRAC was in earlier.

Have you been to the new Trough? For the life of me, I can't tell the difference from the old one. I wonder how much they spent on the renovations. When is the Department of Parliamentary Services up?

While I have the call, I have a couple of questions.

You can take these on notice. I'm very happy for you to come back before today is finished.

What kind of watch are you wearing? Sorry, we have to ask everyone that now.

I know you say you've provided this detail already, but I'm not going to let you off the hook. To which of the specific slides were you referring to during your evidence last estimates when you said, 'it's in the presentation!'?

Don't dodge the question. I know the last estimates session was a year ago but I can't believe you would come this underprepared. I know Senator Roberts agrees with me.

Is that Morse code? I can see your eyelids flickering at the minister.

I read Bletchley Park Brainteasers while quarantining in Canberra and I can almost puzzle out what you're saying. T-O-R-T-U-R-E?

Are you quite alright? You seem to be sweating more than before. You're almost ready to combust. If you're not careful, Senator Patrick will start stripping off his gear and dumping water on you, like in his submariner days.

That was not the kind of revelation we normally get during Senate estimates.

On that note, this concludes today's proceedings. This committee will recommence its examination of the budget estimates at 9am.