Don't you burst my (single) bubble

Well I'm not. I'm not making plans with anyone. I'm on my own this lockdown. I don't mind it. I have the house to myself, I'm not dealing with online learning or bored children, no one's at the other end of the dining table talking loudly during Zoom meetings. I can binge watch what I like (Hacks, Treadstone, Bake Squad, The Great British Pottery Throwdown), cook simple dinners, go for long walks in the sunshine, with no one else to think about. I'm getting by.

For a brief moment on the first weekend of lockdown I contemplated downloading a dating app. But then another episode of Throwdown started and the only thing I wanted to see get thrown down was a big lump of clay and that moment passed.

But all this talk of intimate visits has got me thinking about the idea of an app to help find you an intimate partner. I think I would call it Bubble. Of course, there'd be a 5km radius applied. People would have to upload proof of their vaccination status. It would shut down while curfew was on. Perhaps it could, in conjunction with the Check In Cbr app, list your common check-in points and you could wander past each other in aisle four at Bunnings and make meaningful eye contact over your masks before you commit to anything.

And it is a big commitment. Not that we're dealing with such rules here in the ACT - yet - but if I'm reading it right, in NSW, from August 21, the person you've nominated to be your bubble buddy must be registered, and they can't be a nominated person for anyone else. Now a "bubble buddy" is a different position, if you like; it's not, although I suppose it could be, your intimate partner. Imagine if your intimate partner had to be registered! My app would definitely allow you to check their registration to see if they were blowing bubbles anywhere else.

I've tried very hard to find if any jurisdiction actually has an official definition of what being an intimate partner actually means. Victorian premier Dan Andrews, who's not a bad sort, fumbled his way through a press conference late last year.

"The very nature of a platonic relationship between two people who are coming together to spend time with each other ..., " he said. "That's very different to intimate partners, who by virtue of the fact that they are intimate partners, their contact is of a different nature."

He smirked when the room full of reporters broke out in laughter. (A lot of journalists have smutty minds. Not me.)

"I can't quite believe I am having to explain that," he sighed. "But I am. But I am stopping there because I don't think that serves any great purpose ... 2020 - it's full of surprises." And here we are in 2021.

More than 2 million Australians live on their own. In Canberra in 2016, 35,413 of us lived alone. (All week I've been wondering if Ken Behrens has a partner, or is he too living in a single bubble?) I think these very facts give merit to my idea of Bubble.

Who would be my ideal intimate partner, the lucky man I allow to prick my single bubble and burst it right open? I've had way too much time to think about that very thing.

He'd have to be practical, able to knock over a few tasks around the house upon arrival. Bring a drill and some picture hooks, perhaps some paint for a few touch-up jobs. If I can't allow tradesmen in for a while yet, there's more to be done than spending time together. He'd have to be thoughtful enough to turn up with bread and milk so I could avoid supermarket queues and keen to head out for an hour's exercise each day. Happy to watch reruns of classic Wallabies matches - after our defeat last week I've been watching replays of matches against the All Blacks as far back as 1996, you can find them on Stan. Occasionally we win.

But mainly he'd have to realise that the best way we can get through these unprecedented times is with a smile on our faces and a sense of humour. A very attractive thing at the best of times.

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