There is a weird magic to preselection. The major parties spend a lot of time telling voters about their organisation's diligent processes, the minor parties not so much.
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So you can forgive the United Australia Party or One Nation for their choices. Nah. Forgive is the wrong word. Of course you can't forgive them for their anti-vaxxism, their racism and their general derangement. But you can kind of get why these folks are preselected. There are no real processes and policies, no precedent for how things get done. As for independents, not all independents are equal or even teal.
So when I asked for nominations for Australia's wackiest candidates, I was inundated with suggestions. Some suggested the Prime Minister's enthusiasm for cosplay would make him a dead cert for this list. I'm more disturbed by his claims that he did more while ill with COVID than Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese. I can't think of a more pathetic competition. Others nominated the Treasurer Josh Frydenberg for trying to avoid debating his independent opponent Monique Ryan in their actual electorate. Still others nominated the usual suspects of Barnaby Joyce and Matt Canavan for reasons which hardly need repeating here.
I'd argue those are all examples of parlianormative. Yes, nothing good about their behaviour - but understandable, behaving well within the confidence interval of how we understand political actors to behave. We expect lairs and liars in the electoral contest. We have a lack of confidence in their ability to behave like the rest of us.
But there are others who are revealing behaviours so outside the expected they alarm even someone as old as me, someone who has observed dozens and dozens of elections.
So, here's my list of the wackiest. It's in no particular order because wacky is in the eye of the beholder. Also, the term wacky is the best I can use. Although it sounds like your darling eccentric aunt, in this case it also covers those who threaten and abuse. Those who diminish what it means to be Australian. Those who might demean the office of member of parliament. Those who don't respect most of us.
Behold. I bring you a sample of Australia's Wackiest Home Pollies.
Allona Lahn
I think we can all agree that any political candidate who decides to misuse Anzac Day is on a hiding to nothing. Meet Allona Lahn, a Queensland Senate candidate for the Informed Medical Options Party. There's a video of her talking, not far from a local Anzac Day march. She begins: "Warfare has been released upon the people." She's not actually talking warfare. She's talkng about the way Australia responded to the pandemic. The vaccines. The vaccine mandates. Apparently that's the real war brought on us by governments and "global elites" and the "World Health Health Economic Forum". Those are the real heroes, she says, those at rallies and protests. "You are heroes in my mind, all those out there protesting, all those out there making a stand, you're the heroes at the moment."
Morgan C Jonas
Let me introduce you to Morgan C Jonas, otherwise known as independent Victorian candidate for the Senate in Group R. Jonas is well-known for his antivaxxer campaigning. There is truly shocking video of Jonas being detained by police where he is shouting "f---ing dogs, f--- c----, f----ing dogs, f---ing tyranny ... f---ing Nazi c----" You get the message. I wonder how he might cope with the cut and thrust of political life and I hope we never find out.
Nicole Tobin
And here's the Liberal candidate for the Senate in Queensland. Fortunately, Nicole Tobin is only in the sixth spot on the ticket so will never get elected. Let's hope it remains that way. She says fat people shouldn't be permitted soft drink. Just water or one glass of red wine. Fat kids eat too many Tiny Teddies.
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And speaking of those who use blessed in completely inappropriate ways, she joins the Prime Minister who said he was blessed because his kids didn't have disabilities. Tobin says she and her children are thin: "We're probably blessed with great genes or something. We are busy people and we don't get time to eat." Of course Tobin has stiff competition from Katherine Deves, despiser of transwomen and a Liberal captain's pick.
Craig Cole
Oh, here's one advocating violence! Craig Cole standing as an independent in the Victorian seat of Casey: "If I am fortunate enough to be elected by the electors and do get a seat in parliament, there's a lovely thing called a maiden speech. And your maiden speech is supposed to be all warm and fuzzy....stuff that. I'm getting out the M60 and I'm going to mow 'em all down."
Daniel Repacholi
And let me remind you of Daniel Repacholi, who joined the Labor Party six minutes before preselections for the seat of Hunter and had an amazing social media back catalogue, now deleted, of images of women and assault rifles. His main claim to fame is his enthusiasm for the coal industry. "The coal industry will be a huge focus for me," he told the Newcastle Herald. Among Labor's captain's picks, this is one of the worst coming as it does in the middle of a climate emergency.
Craig Kelly
No list like this could be complete without Craig Kelly, another captain's call by Scott Morrison. He of the useless medical advice about worming drug ivermectin. He who demanded Meta should stop fact-checking politicians during the election. He who left the Liberal Party and now leads the United Australia Party. He will stand for reelection in the seat of Hughes.
George Christensen
Nor complete without a candidate for Pauline Hanson's One Nation. Yes, come on down, George Christensen. Apologist for all that is awful. Couldn't take the conformity of belonging to a party and now wants to be a senator for Queensland. Fortunately from an unwinnable spot.
Sorry, only had room for seven. There are so many more and I know you will add your own. You can substitute whatever you like for wacky. Vote for Australia's Wackiest Home Pollies but never vote for them.
- Jenna Price is a visiting fellow at the Australian National University and a regular columnist.