Clever tricks to disguise the ugly corners of your garden

Hint: the correct response is a variation on "You look fabulous" or even a helpful "Sorry darling, that blueberry stain down your front is still obvious".

There are times, however, when "inconspicuous" is good - after bank robberies, for example, or when wearing last decade's swimsuit when you are 10kg heavier than you were back then. Being inconspicuous also applies to certain matters in the garden, like:

Anyone with a garden needs a shed - or do they? An alternative is a wooden or other box where tools and even a lawn mower can be kept, but which can be sat on, or used as a garden table. I've even seen metre-high stone or brick structures with wooden lids used the same way. You save space, with no glare of aluminium.

If you do go for a metal shed (and sadly they are usually the cheapest, fastest option) try covering the most visible bits with a lattice, covered in Chinese jasmine, clematis or passionfruit - the reflected warmth of a shed is a great boon to passionfruit, and fresh passionfruit a great boon to a joyful life. A nude shed can be an eyesore. A shed covered in rambling rose can delight you, passers-by, and the birds who will build protective nests in it.

I am a mildly pro-tank fanatic - you can never have enough tank water, either for your garden or more carefully gathered water for drinking or brewing the perfect cup of tea. (Do check if your roof is "potable water" compatible before installing a drinking water tank, and make sure the top is mozzie-proof and that you have a diversion system for small rainfalls, so you don't gather water till the rain has washed off dust and bird and possum droppings.

Tanks now come in a glorious abundance of shapes. You can fit a long narrow one to the side of the house, or one that bulges into almost any shape you need under the house. Tanks can also be hidden in the same ways you can disguise a shed, and in spring will provide both reflected sunlight and night-time warmth to help your tomatoes or daffodils flower earlier.

Could someone please invent an attractive compost bin? Colouring them green does not make them unnoticeable in the average garden. Hide your compost bin behind the shed, perhaps. Ours is camouflaged under the lemon tree. Better still, use the stuff you'd put in the bin as mulch, then cover the mess with pea straw or lucerne, with a good scatter of fertiliser on top. Now water it in well, and wait for the whole lot to turn into bigger and better garden.

Dig a hole; add droppings each day, then cover them at once with some of the soil from the hole to hide the droppings from flies. When the hole is almost full, plant a bush or tree. The depth of the hole and richness of the droppings will encourage swift growth of deep roots, hopefully so deep the bush or tree is drought proof. I promise that the pears from a tree fed by dog droppings will not taste remotely like excrement.

Cover it with a mounding plant. At the moment my favourite "mound" is the newly available Boule rosemary, that grows in an almost perfect round shape without any need to prune except when you need a branch for cooking. You could also use the stump as a platform for a garden gnome or other ornament. But don't plant a tree there, as the rotting roots may spread the disease to the new tree. Chemical tree stump removers are often advertised, but I've never used them - I'm a bit wary of anything powerful enough to dissolve a tree stump.

Our gardens are our first line of defence against the clamour of the world. No matter what size it is, it's good to make sure ever corner of it is beautiful.

PS: Burying valuables in the garden is not recommended. You may come home to find the loot from your bank robbery has been unexpectedly dug up for a sewer or phone line, plus anywhere that has been recently dug is conspicuous, even if you cover it with fast-growing bean plants, thorny rose bushes and lots of mulch. Digging up buried treasure is also arduous, especially if you are 60cm from the right spot. An old bushrangers trick was to make a fake wall from glue and newspaper then plaster over it. A minute or so with a knife and you could retrieve your spoils, and leg it.

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