Breaking down the taboo of pregnancy loss

When she went to hospital that day, she was told her full-term baby boy had his umbilical cord wrapped five times around his neck.

She was devastated to learn he no longer had a heartbeat, while it was harder still going through labour knowing there would be no first cry.

But it wasn't until she was walking back to her apartment a few days later, after a funeral for her baby Hamish, that Ms Matthews felt the full force of her loss.

"We spent four days in the hospital saying goodbye and then came home to our apartment and it was just silent," she tells AAP.

"Whether you go through loss at the beginning of the pregnancy or the end, you've already planned that child's life out in your head. We had all his clothes washed and his nursery ready."

Hamish would have been starting school next year. Milestones like that - as well as birthdays and anniversaries - are often difficult to cope with, Ms Matthews says.

But she doesn't want her first child to be forgotten and she likes to spend time talking about him, particularly with his sister and brother, three-year-old Lucy and one-year-old Lachlan.

"There are always going to be days and times when things are harder than others, but I would rather talk about him and have his memory in our family," Ms Matthews, who lives on the NSW Central Coast, says.

"I'd rather not pretend it never happened."

As many as one in five Australian women who know they are pregnant will miscarry before 20 weeks, statistics show.

The loss of a pregnancy after 20 weeks is considered a stillbirth. On average, there are six stillbirths each day in Australia, while two babies a day will die within 28 days of birth.

Ms Matthews says she had an uncomplicated pregnancy with Hamish. She looked after herself, ate the right foods and at 39 weeks pregnant thought she was in the clear.

"Obviously you don't want to think about the worst happening," she says.

Clinical psychologist Chris Barnes, who works with expectant and new parent support charity Gidget Foundation Australia, says most people don't expect there to be serious complications with a pregnancy.

"You are just so hopeful and positive, often thinking that everything will be OK," she says.

"So I think that makes it even more devastating when something does go wrong."

Today marks Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, an opportunity to highlight the frequency and impact of miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death.

The most common challenge for those who experience a miscarriage is feeling alone in their grief, while many people also feel that others dismiss or minimise their loss, according to research by the foundation.

"It's such a hidden, silent pain that people go through," Ms Barnes says.

"It's good to talk about and raise awareness, because the more we talk about it, the more it reduces the shame and stigma around pregnancy loss."

She says grief is a personal journey, but having people around who will listen and are trusted is key.

"There is a wide array of feelings - anger, sadness, guilt, emptiness, often people feel like their bodies have failed them - a lot of things can happen.

"The overarching thing for me is that it's not about letting go of that pregnancy or baby, it's about finding an enduring connection as you go through life and keeping that connection."

Ms Barnes was one of the people Ms Matthews turned to when she was coming to terms with her loss.

For Ms Matthews, talking about it was a necessity. She wrote a daily blog for a year after Hamish's death and collaborated with other mothers for a book about baby loss.

"The motherly love that you have for this child is just out of this world, but they're not physically here. So, it's pouring that motherly love somewhere," she says.

"Anything I can do to make people feel less alone. It's so important to talk about death - it's just as much a part of life."

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Australian Associated Press