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Trying to suppress a laugh with a mouthful of soft drink doesn't end well. When the translator delivers the speaker's words - "As I drove past, the friendly agrarian workers put down their tools and waved" - I gag, spraying lemon squash into the packed room.
It was a reception for the Soviet ambassador or some visiting official - I can't quite remember which - staged by the Australia-USSR Friendship Society. The very idea of "friendly agrarian workers" on the roadside between Canberra and Sydney was so ludicrous, so five-year plan, it triggered the embarrassing gag reflex.
If it was an attempt at influencing the handful of journalists in the room, it failed miserably. We shared gales of laughter afterwards. Laughter at the overblown speech, delivered by the very archetype of the Soviet apparatchik, even down to his ill-fitting suit. Laughter at my reaction to it. Laughter at the old union hands, retired academics and raddled activists who lapped up every word.
Forty-odd years later, foreign targeting of the media for influence and even espionage is cast in a new, much more sinister light. ASIO boss Mike Burgess - the name could be straight out of a Le Carre novel - has lifted the curtain on the shadowy world of spying and it's no laughing matter.
Forget a nest of spies; Burgess says his organisation has uncovered a hive of them. Add to that foiling a plot to lure senior, well-connected journos on an all-expenses paid study trip to an unnamed country where their phones, laptops and minds would be tapped for intelligence. And, really unsettling, a scheme to have a human rights activist lured overseas and "disposed of".
The spy trade is the busiest the director-general has seen it, like hand-to-hand combat, he says. And - surprise, surprise - some of the nations involved are considered friendly.
"Based on what ASIO is seeing, more Australians are being targeted for espionage and foreign interference than at any time in Australia's history - more hostile foreign intelligence services, more spies, more targeting, more harm, more ASIO investigations, more ASIO disruptions," Burgess said in a speech on Tuesday night.
The cynical suspicion is that in this era of budgetary restraint, spy-mania is being talked up to secure increased funding. Back in 1909, when Germany was rattling sabres and demanding its place in the sun, Britain was gripped by an obsession with spies, fuelled by popular penny dreadful espionage novels. This national anxiety led to the formation of the Secret Intelligence Service, which evolved into MI6.
But what if heightened international tensions over Ukraine, the AUKUS alliance, China's heavy breathing over Taiwan and Iran's crackdown on dissidents have indeed raised the tempo of espionage and interference in Australia? If more funding is needed to confront it, surely that's money well spent.
We'll have to take Burgess's word for it, with the tiniest grain of salt. The last thing we want is national paranoia, with us looking over our shoulders and jumping at every shadow. You know the drill: be alert but not alarmed.
HAVE YOUR SAY: Are you more worried about foreign interference and spying or the security agencies getting too much power? Are you surprised so-called friendly sometimes spy on us? Which foreign country poses the biggest threat? What's your favourite John Le Carre novel? Email us: echidna@theechidna.com.au
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IN CASE YOU MISSED IT:
- New details surrounding a controversial court case, which resulted in a former Australian intelligence officer being jailed, are expected be publicly released after years of secrecy. However, an ACT court is yet to determine the extent to which sentencing remarks will be redacted. The former intelligence officer, known as Alan Johns or Witness J, spent 15 months locked up in Canberra's prison after being prosecuted and sentenced behind closed doors in the ACT Supreme Court in 2018.
- Real wages are falling at their fastest pace on record as hard-won pay rises are being outstripped by spiralling living costs. The wage price index rose 0.8 per cent in the December quarter, lifting annual growth to 3.3 per cent - its highest reading in 10 years. But with headline inflation surging by 7.8 per cent late last year, real wages fell by 4.5 per cent during 2022 - the biggest such decline on record.
- The most widespread grass fires on record hit Australia in 1974 and 1975 after a long La Nina and firefighters warn we may be facing a similar disaster, further fuelled by climate change. The heavy rains and floods driven by La Nina could cause "widespread grass fires on a scale never-before experienced," a Climate Council and Emergency Leaders for Climate Action report found.
THEY SAID IT: "Once you've lived the inside-out world of espionage, you never shed it. It's a mentality, a double standard of existence." - John le Carre
YOU SAID IT: Books at risk of being banned by culture warriors or edited to suit 21st century sensitivities.
Veronica says: "I recall that Enid Blyton books were banned - books which I devoured and loved as a child and saw nothing offensive in them then or now. If a reader does not like the content, then don't read it but don't try to stop me from reading same, watching same, listening to same. There is always the ability to close the book, turn off the television and go and read something saccharine which I would not read in a fit, but won't try to stop you."
Yvonne says history is at risk: "Book banning (and editing) is a backwards step - we can't understand the historical context if everything is edited for possible current offence. If we continue to do this, kids in the 2050s will think that the world was always tolerant and accepting of individual differences - there will be no recognition of how far things have progressed (for the better of course). I have just re-purchased copies of my favourite Roald Dahl originals - Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and James and the Giant Peach - because I want to have them as they always were."
Linda has a different take: "An interesting question! I think it's important to remember that the originals are not being banned or burned ... but if cleaning up the language a little makes those glorious books available to, say, Jewish kids, whose lives would not be in any way improved by reading racist slurs about themselves ... isn't that a good thing? As language and culture evolves, why not evolve our stories, too? Kids don't need to absorb racism and other sorts of bigotry along with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Let's not pretend that reading that kind of abuse is good for kids, or that leaving it intact is some kind of moral imperative!"
Samantha says: "Books should never be changed. The words belong to the author. The world has gone mad for these so-called sensitive people."
Julie is outraged by the revisions to Roald Dahl's books: "I am incredibly angry about the editing of Roald Dahl's work. He was no angel but his books are wonderful works of fiction which have captivated children through the years. My children loved them, I loved them. Children can handle a lot more than adults give them credit for. I loved Enid Blyton, as did my children. None of us has grown up racist or sexist. A good story transcends time. As you wrote, Shakespeare has plenty of sexism, racism etc but it remains as it was written."
Paul's on the same page: "There is no place for censuring historical works. It is also reminiscent of the Renaissance sensitivities, where the nudity of statues was covered with fig leaves and other decorations. I put it in the same category as protestors who spray paint their message of protest on artworks and the destruction of statues because their subject's contribution to society has been reassessed through a new lens. I am all for providing new context and interpretations alongside historical works - in fact this helps educate people about the past. Adding a foreword or something similar to the Dahl books might have achieved the same thing, without altering the artwork - provided it was identified as such . I am also for creating brand new works that suit current thinking - but not for altering or damaging past art, in all its forms."