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For years I've held the firm conviction the modern world conspires against me.
The suspicion was born on a cold winter's morning, in a bathroom fogged with steam, when I deodorised with insecticide. Some bright spark - me - had put the bug spray in the vanity. But it was the other bright spark, the one who designed the aerosol can to look like deodorant, who I hold responsible.
From that day on, it's become progressively worse. The shampoo and conditioner are repeat offenders. The sadists who design the bottles - minimalist and perfectly suited to the modern charcoal shower stall - insist on making the type on the products so small and so indistinguishable it's impossible to tell them apart.
Oh, you're getting old, I hear you mutter. But this problem has plagued me ever since I turned 40 - hardly old - and the eye doctor told me I needed reading glasses. No one I know wears glasses in the shower.
And don't get me started on the new scissors so tightly packaged in plastic you need scissors to extract them. Cruel and stupid at the same time.
Some of these modern torments entered our lives with good intent. The QR code was invaluable during the early days of the pandemic, tracking our entry into high-risk places like supermarkets and enabling the authorities to alert us to possible contact with active COVID cases.
But, like drunken uncles at weddings, the damn things have outstayed their welcome. There's nothing more infuriating than being in a restaurant or cafe wondering why you're not being served only to be told you have to scan the code and place your order through a website. Oh, wait! There is something more infuriating.
It's sat on the side of one of the most potholed roads in the Shoalhaven on the NSW South Coast for a couple years. It's a sign placed by the council which says something along the lines of "For information about disaster recovery scan the QR code." I don't know exactly what it says and will never scan the code because I'm driving. All the sign does is remind me of what the council doesn't do - and that's fix the road.
And it's on this same road that another technological assistant-turned-nuisance makes its presence known. As I'm dodging all the potholes, the new car insists on telling me I'm departing from the lane - even though there is no lane, the road long reduced to a blistered patchwork quilt.
Not sure how they do it but self-checkout machines sense when I'm coming. I just have to look at them and they freeze. Up pops the message - "Assistance required" - along with that accusatory flashing red light, as if I've tried to slip an unscanned asparagus spear into the groceries.
My mate Richard, who retired to the Sunshine Coast a couple of years ago, says he's become a slave to his smart watch. Just as he's sitting down to read the latest Max Hastings book, it nags him to get up and complete his 10,000 steps or do that 40km bike ride it insists will keep him healthy. But that's not all, Richard tells me. Any sudden movement - like putting down the pruning shears - and it sends an emergency alert to his wife.
The smartphone and airpods he uses to listen to audiobooks also convert text to speech. So in the middle of listening to the biography of Churchill, a robotic voice intrudes, telling him there's 40 per cent off cat food at the local pet store.
Sometimes it's not just the machines which infuriate - it's the people who believe they're infallible. Like the taxi-driver a few months back who insisted on turning left when I knew we had to turn right. "But the GPS says ..." he pleaded. I know this may come as a shock, I thought, before telling him, "The GPS is wrong." The look on his face - I might as well have shot Bambi.
I could go on and on. And on some more.
The text messages asking how your experience was after you discover the package you've been waiting for has been left at the wrong address.
The short survey you're asked to complete when you've spent half the year on the phone waiting for a human to fix a telco problem.
The desktop printer.
The news alert that tells you interest rates have gone up again, the day after Westpac records a whopping 26 per cent surge in profits.
No wonder I'm looking over my spiky shoulder.
HAVE YOUR SAY: Do you struggle to read the labels on bathroom products? Are there technological "advancements" that have in fact become nuisances? Do you avoid self-checkouts and restaurants that still use QR codes? Email us: echidna@theechidna.com.au
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IN CASE YOU MISSED IT:
- In a widely tipped move, the central bank board decided to lift the official cash rate by 0.25 of a percentage point to 4.35 per cent - the 13th increase since it began tightening monetary policy in May last year. Monthly repayments on a $500,000 mortgage are set to jump by $76.
- Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has declared his high-level talks with Xi Jinping "very successful" as his visit was hailed by the Chinese President as ushering in a new era in relations. The Prime Minister met the Chinese President in the Great Hall of the People on Monday evening for more than an hour.
- Former Liberal prime minister Malcolm Turnbull has urged Anthony Albanese not to go to Israel to show solidarity in the middle of the war with Hamas, accusing his successor Scott Morrison of "showboating" with his recent visit with former UK prime minister Boris Johnson.
THEY SAID IT: "Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means for going backwards." - Aldous Huxley
YOU SAID IT: Scott Morrison's visit to Israel alongside former UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson did not earn accolades here.
"Unbelievable narcissism and magical thinking," writes Jennifer. "He didn't contribute anything of value to Australians when he was PM, so what does he think he has to contribute to the Middle East? Clearly no focus on Palestinians, not even the children, while the only Israeli likely to value his contribution is Netanyahu, who is desperate enough for support that he will welcome former failed PMs from other countries as colleagues in arms, before he joins them as another former PM. All three have caused much harm to citizens in their countries and inspired much opposition as well as some hatred."
Terry writes: "ScoMo didn't need a bulletproof vest while in Israel to promote the resurrection of the Holy wars. His hide is thicker than a rhinoceros."
"They say that sarcasm is the lowest form of humour, but sometimes it's the only way to express the exasperation of seeing a failed politician's misplaced attempt to claw back a shred of relevance. It's enough to make an echidna's spines bristle with prickly rage," writes Ian.
"Well said, John," writes David. "There is definitely a place for sarcasm and the kevlar-clad ScoMo, BoJo and Bibi Show is one. I bet ScoMo didn't ask Bibi about his boy, Yair, who, when 360,000 Israelis were desperate to get back to enlist, decided he'd rather stay in Florida. Creedence's 1969 song Fortunate Son is as apt today as it was then. And ScoMo's alleged compassion for Palestinian kids, dying like flies, is not remotely convincing."
John writes: "Brilliant! Your style of writing is similar to Frank Bruni's, The New York Times. Thanks and cheers."
"Well said. What that pair of has-been clowns thought they were doing we can only imagine. Let's hope and pray we are not embarrassed by more of ScoMo's antics in the future. He does not, and never did, look good on the world stage," writes Terry.
Another John sees the visit differently: "You must be kidding - we are in a democracy and other members of parliament have a role to play around the world and in developing policy. The people of Israel when they see the Greens supporting Palestine to the sea must feel sick. I am glad that Morrison went to show that there is support from Australians also."