Think you'd be a great candidate for reality TV? Here's where you should go

I've always wanted to go on a reality television show. I think I'd make good talent. Which is usually the first sign you actually won't be. I did start to apply for one once, I won't say which one, but the first few questions the application form asked were about weight and number of social media followers. I knew that wasn't for me.

But which one might be suitable? Here's my guide to the ones I'd think about, if ever you're thinking about it too.

Why apply? Because it's about cake. And there's so much love. Did I mention cake? Unlike MasterChef, GABO is achievable. MasterChef used to be, but now it's at such an elevated level, what with all that sous vide-ing and the like. And the tent seems like a magical place. So less intimidating than the MasterChef kitchen. And forget about My Kitchen Rules, there's way too much drama at that table.

Who applies? It's hard to define the Bake-Off contestant. Are they dedicated CWA mavens, or hip youngsters posting brownies on social media? I think they're truly just people who love to bake. My kind of people.

Why apply? Out of all the dating shows this one actually seems to work. I'm a little over the idea that it glamourises country life. It's tough on the farm girls, it's not all nudie swims in the dam and sunsets over the back paddock. But the guys kind of seem genuine. And the scenery is nice. They just need to find some farmers over the age of 40, 60 even, for me to think about this one. I'd do alright on the land.

Who applies? When you watch it with a cynical eye, the kind of women who apply for this one are just a little shy of the standard set by MAFS. Not a lot of lip filler on this one. I do root for the country girls who apply, the fancy ones always say "city guys just don't know what they're looking for". Ladies, that's all guys.

Why apply? Because you're a fame whore and want entry into the Birdcage at the Melbourne Cup? Does anyone truly apply for this show looking for love? It's the MasterChef of dating shows. Unachievable for the home cook. If you're a meat-and-three-veg kind of person, maybe think about applying for My Mum Your Dad, which is a little more down to earth, and it's for old people.

Who applies? I'm really not sure anymore. You get Jack and Tori, and then you get Lucinda. And does anyone actually apply or do they get chosen by production staff. So many of them seem to have connections to former contestants.

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Why apply? Because I might get to see Dennis Scott working up a sweat in my back garden? Not the most noble of intentions I know. But I love this show which has been around for 16 seasons with the sassy Andrew Winter at the helm. The real estate market is tough and I love it when this show gives the prospective sellers a different point of view about why their home might not be selling. All that said, it's much less stressful than The Block if real estate is your game.

Who applies? So many different kinds of homes, so many different kinds of homeowners. The recent seasons have seen some really heartbreaking stories about why people need to sell. If you're at your wit's end, maybe it's the answer.

Why apply? Because it's about LEGO. And there's so much love. Did I mention LEGO? Look, basically it's Bake-Off for people who can't bake but can build. And build they do. I grew up making all kinds of creations but this is next level. I'd have to put in a lot more hours on the blocks to even contemplate it. But how much fun would it be? Did you see that go-kart episode?

Who applies? What a quirky bunch of contestants they've had over the six seasons of the show. Pairings of parents and children, best friends, work colleagues, Lego enthusiasts. And the thing they all have in common is a fantastic imagination. Do you?

Why apply? Have I told you my idea for F-Boy Island? The show where three women have to "navigate the dating pool" of 24 men, half who are f-boys and the other are "nice guys". The women are hopeless. I think the show needs to bring in the twist where "older women", perhaps even their mothers, join them in the navigation. We'd have the f-boys identified in 10 minutes.

Who applies? Every season I've seen of this, in all its international iterations, the women carry on about how they're sick of dating f-boys but always fall for the f-boys. I encourage all the nice guys out there to think about applying. The world needs you.