The very important rules of supermarket shopping

So, having spent a very considerable amount of my life in the florescent-lit aisles of my local supermarket, I've observed a few things and come up with some rules for supermarket shopping, which are, truly, rules for life.

Now if you go up to the deli counter and order 200g of the Virginian leg ham and that operator grabs a handful and flops the bag on the scales and those scales flash up green with 200.00 grams, it is simply un-Australian not to acknowledge said operator's Zen-like mastery of mass and weight.

"Wow, perfect!" is a great response. You know they love it when they get it absolutely right first go, so you MUST praise the operator's skill and then watch as they try to hold back a little smile.

Alternatively, if you ask for 200g and you get 250g, you just go with the flow and suck it up. "Yep, great, thanks!" is the appropriate response. Don't frig around with it too much.

This is generally a good one when you're shopping late at night - or with your children. Nothing embarrasses them more when you start singing along - softly, of course - to Drop the Pilot by Joan Armatrading or, even better, Human League's Don't You Want Me. Because god knows it's been at least 15 years since you were in a nightclub and this is as good as it gets.

Children especially love it if you even do a little dance up past the chicken stock and gravy as Dexys Midnight Runners' Come on Eileen reaches its sing-a-long climax. Truly. Give it a go some time.

Now, I'm a self-service person because I rarely use a trolley. (See previous comment re being incapable of planning ahead.)

But, usually at ALDI where not all the stores yet have self-service, it is incumbent upon you to let through the person behind you who has one or two items.

Granted, it's a bit of a juggling act. Once you start with one person, where do you end? Are your 10 items numerous enough to justify letting through the person with two items?

I know. It's a struggle. But, I think we all can sense who deserves to go through first and who can just wait their damn turn.

Not sure about you, but at least, well, EVERY visit, I stuff up something on the self-service register and the poor attendant has to come over and flick their magic card to get it going again.

Happens once, it's a thank you from me. Happens twice, I will invariably say, 'It doesn't like me today!" like it's the funniest thing ever said and the attendant hasn't already heard it about 47,000 times today. Part of my soul dies every time I say it, but I. Can't. Help. Myself.

Even if you get through the self-serve with no problems, and even if have two bags and a three-litre carton of milk to carry and even if you put your basket back yourself as you're loaded up with groceries like a sherpa tackling Everest and even if the self-service attendant is a gormless teenager who stands motionless and seems asleep with their eyes open, YOU MUST thank them as you leave the shop.

Why? Well, it's possibly the worst job in the store and even if they haven't helped you, you must thank them for their service to humanity, like you would a digger on Anzac Day.

They are on the frontline. It's just the right thing to do.

I mean, do I even have to say it?